Essential NLP Frameworks for Coaches to Enhance Communication Effectiveness

Xiaorong

Human Resources Practitioner

You may have heard of NLP and the book “The Magic of Language”.

This book is very popular, and even though the Chinese version is obscure and difficult to understand, many of us pick it up with enthusiasm time and again because it’s genuinely useful.

The importance of the language we use daily is self-evident.

Language reflects beliefs, directly influencing our actions, and life is a collection of these actions.

One way that coaching transforms lives is by using language as an entry point, allowing clients to see their beliefs and make changes when they are ready, leading to a vibrant life.

The term Sleight comes from an ancient Norwegian word meaning “clever”, “art”, or “skilled”.

Sleight of Hand is the magical art of card tricks demonstrated by magicians.

This trick typically features the obvious disappearance of things, as expressed in the phrase “Now you see it, now you don’t”.

For example, someone places a spade A on a deck of cards, but when the magician picks it up, it “turns into” a queen of hearts.

Sleight of Mouth language patterns have a similar “magical” quality as they often lead to significant shifts in perception and the assumptions underlying those perceptions.

The patterns in the magic of language can be used to help partners closely examine their unchecked assumptions or scrutinize the validity of so-called universals.

By doing so, each belief loses much of its limiting power, and new perspectives and opportunities emerge.

It is often not about what you cannot do, but about what you have never considered.

Sleight of Mouth patterns include 14 different types of language reframing, allowing us to reconnect our generalizations and mental models of the world with other aspects of the meta-structure of our experiences and beliefs (internal states, expectations, and values).

Various patterns help drive us to:

• Punctuate and “chunk” our views;

• Recognize and appreciate different perspectives and patterns in the world;

• Discover our internal strategies for judging reality and developing and updating beliefs;

• Explore how we develop our mind maps that help us formulate expectations, seek reasons, and give meaning to our experiences of the world;

• Recognize the impact of internal states on our beliefs and attitudes;

• Accelerate the natural process of changing beliefs;

• Better understand the influence of language and beliefs on our different levels of experience;

• Be aware of potential thought viruses and implicit suggestions and assumptions.

Feedback in one sentence shows the 14 language reframing patterns:“If you say mean things, then you are a bad person.”

1. Intention	You want people to treat each other more respectfully.
2. Redefining Behavior	I don’t say mean things, but I’m very clear in my heart.
* Redefining Logic	I’m not a bad person, just honest.
3. Outcome	What would happen if this belief proves to be very despicable?
4. Downward Classification	How can we accurately define “mean”? Is it the words, emphasis, or volume?
5. Upward Classification	Understanding how I communicate with you is important to you. How do you know that someone who says “mean” things is also inherently a bad person?
6. Analogy/Metaphor	A dentist might say something that sounds mean to his patients, but I can’t imagine you’d want your dentist to lie to you. After all, his job is to make you aware of the actual state of your teeth or tell you that you’ve eaten too many sweets.
7. Big Frame Change	This may sound uncomfortable now, but a year from now, you will be glad someone gave you such feedback.
8. Another Outcome	I’m just giving you feedback so you can improve.
9. World Model	This may be true for you, but my experience is completely different.
10. Reality Strategy	How do you know this person is a bad person? How do you know that despicable actions prove someone is despicable?
11. Counterexample	Can someone be a mean person and not say any mean things?
12. Standard Hierarchy	Isn’t it more important to be honest (clear, etc.) than just to tell others nice things?
13. Apply to Self (applies to speaker)	I think it’s a bit interesting to say it this way. Does this mean you only look for signs of meanness in one person while ignoring all other aspects of that person?
14. Meta-Frame	You say this just to better control yourself.

Recently revisiting this book, I created a systematic application model for reframing, and I’d like to share it with everyone.

Three Essential Reframing Tools

The model mentioned above refers to three commonly used frameworks.

Reframing, in short, is about looking at what we say in relation to what actually happens from a different angle and interpreting it differently, often transforming negatives into positives or neutrals.

Let’s review what the three major reframing techniques mentioned in “The Magic of Language” are.

Reframe 1: Failure Frame –> Feedback Frame

The failure frame is a common negative frame, often laden with the flavor of “I am such a failure,” like “How could I do this again? I should be doing better.”

The feedback frame simply describes what happened using neutral language.

Reframe 2: Problem Frame –> Outcome Frame

The problem frame is another common negative frame, with clear self-criticism, such as, “I have a problem.”

The outcome frame focuses on the results one wants to achieve, like, “What I really want is xx.”

Reframe 3: Impossible Frame –> If Frame

The impossible frame is a common negative frame, such as, “I can’t do it,” “I’ve never done it,” “it’s impossible,” etc.

The if frame, for example, asks, “What would it be like if it were achieved?”

Coaching Examples

Just discussing definitions can be a bit dry; let’s use a practical case to illustrate how to combine the reframing tools mentioned above for our benefit.

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Client Case

The client is a full-time caregiver at home, busy every day, wanting to sleep early and wake up early to have some personal time in the morning, but cannot go to sleep at the desired time at night or wake up early.

1. Identify –> Problem Frame

The client says: “Ah, I know that if I don’t go to bed on time at night, I won’t be able to get up in the morning, but I just can’t do it. I really want to sleep early and wake up early, but why? Where is the problem?”

The language reveals a sense of “I have a problem; it’s my fault.” Asking the client about their current feelings, it feels heavy and the energy is going down.

The client identifies their language and recognizes they are using a negative problem frame and failure frame, feeling low energy and downcast.

We begin to reframe.

2. Change to –> Feedback Frame

Invite the client to use neutral language to describe what is happening—“My current schedule is going to bed after midnight and getting up after seven in the morning.”

When the language is free from self-blame, the heavy emotions lighten a bit.

3. See –> Positive Intent

Invite the client to look at the positive intent behind their behavior—“What makes you go to bed after midnight?” or “What benefits does that behavior bring you?”

The client says: “There are many things to do every day, and I have things I want to accomplish. I can’t finish them during the day when I’m with the kids, so I can only do them after they sleep at night. Staying up late allows me to finish what I want to do that day.”

After stating this, the client feels much better upon recognizing their positive intent, and their energy lifts slightly.

Every behavior we exhibit has a positive intent behind it; please believe in this.

4. Change to –> Outcome Frame

Ask the client: “What do you really want?”

The client answers: “What I really want is to do the things I want to do in the morning, to start the day in a good mood, nourish myself, and positively influence my relationship with my children, which also benefits my family relationships.”

After stating this, the client’s emotions begin to lift.

The innate wisdom of the client begins to flow as they explore how to break the cycle of not being able to sleep at night and not being able to wake up in the morning.

Once they become aware of their desired goals, they can add how to achieve them and see what emerges. The goal is to look forward and focus on what you want to happen.

5. Change to –> If Frame

Push a bit further to empower—“If you manage to sleep early and wake up early, what would that be like?”

During the client’s response, they feel a surge of enthusiasm and energy, which is a far cry from the initial heavy self-blame, further deepening their desire to change and take action for real transformation.

Thus, the reframing is complete.

Combining the above case, it can be seen that using the model is crucial to recognize when we are employing negative failure frames or problem frames and having the willingness to change.

This recognition comes from our sharp awareness.

Awareness can be enhanced in many ways, and consistently writing a journal of awareness is a great approach.

Of course, one role of a coach is to accompany you in recognizing the limiting beliefs behind your language and quickly initiate change.

You can also use this model for self-coaching, enhancing energy, and initiating substantial change.

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